Self Esteem: What Does Your Self-Talk Say About You?

Anything you say out loud to yourself, or to someone else about yourself, or about anything else, is part of your self-talk and represents how you feel about yourself. Also, what you say when you are speaking makes up an important part of the pictures and directions you are feeding to your subconscious mind. It makes sense that if what you say when you are speaking paints the wrong pictures or delivers commands which give yourself counterproductive information, the end result will be that your brain will act on the information in a way that could work against you in any number of ways.

Telling a friend that you don't like your job cannot possibly help your job. You may make yourself feel better by getting it off your chest, and in most forms of therapy, that technique is used with some success. But how much better it would be if you were to change your attitude by changing the programming you were giving yourself, especially in those circumstances when the job (or any situation) isn't going to change just by complaining about it.

Your self-talk is at the heart of something we call "acceptance." There are times in life when all of us feel compelled to put up with a bad situation. But it is completely up to you whether you let that situation work against you, or make a mental decision to see it in a different way. Your self-speak, and other forms of self-talk, are the determining factor in whether the real you, the inside you, wins or loses.

We make hundreds of comments or statements in any given day. It might not seem all that important to phrase each of the many things you say each day in some positive way. But consider that each of those statements is a directive to your subconscious mind. Then add up those comments and statements over a week, a month, or a year. They add up to tens of thousands of minor but very important subconscious self-directives. They're important all right; they have a whole lot to do with what you accomplish, how you feel, and who you become.

The easiest way to determine which of the people around you are the real winners at life and which are not, is to listen to their self-speak; what they say when they talk about anything. Winners use self-speak to build an attitude that produces winning results. It doesn't mean that "winners" don't have problems. It doesn't mean that every day for them is a perfect day. But look at their average scores in winning at life over a few months or a few years. The better their self-speak, the better their score. The more positive their approach, the more successful the results. In time, positive self-speak becomes as much an automatic habit as walking, moving, eating, or sleeping. And when positive self-speak becomes a habit, so do the successes which the self-speak creates.

Treating Extreme Low Self-Esteem & Depression

People with feelings of inferiority and low self-esteem are likely to feel depressed. To alleviate this depression, they must correct their self-image. It is important, however, that the type of self-image distortion be identified, because it is possible that it is a consequence of depression rather than a cause, and that treatment with medication may be necessary along with psychotherapy.

We now know that there are a variety of chemical changes that can produce depression. A number of medications, both prescribed and over the counter, can also cause depression. Among these are decongestants, frequently used for relief of sinus conditions, hay fever, or the common cold; some appetite suppressants; and some antihistamines, especially if taken more often than recommended. It is also possible for internal bodily changes such as hepatitis, infectious mononucleosis, or any severe viral illness, a surgical procedure, or the hormonal changes of the premenstrual, postpartum, or menopausal phases to result in depression.

Sleep disturbance can result in depression, and it is possible for depression to be of genetic origin. A grief reaction following a personal loss can progress into a clinical depression, but it is important to be aware that severe depression can be based solely on a biochemical change. The symptoms of severe depression may include loss of sleep, loss of appetite, loss of interest in things, loss of sex drive, crying, inability to concentrate, despair, and death wishes. These feelings are generally accompanied by intense feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy, the feelings comprising low self-esteem.

It is important to recognize that in this situation, the feelings of worthlessness and inferiority may be secondary to a depression of biochemical origin. When the depression is relieved with proper treatment, the feelings of worthlessness may disappear. A person who had a very positive self-image may develop a severely negative self-image due to a clinical depression. When the depression is appropriately treated, the positive self-image returns. One of the distinguishing features between depression due to a negative self-image and clinical depression is that the latter almost invariably has an onset. The person "felt fine until about eight months ago."

When depression stems from feelings of inferiority, it has generally been a part of that individual's personality for as long as anyone can remember. The problem is that during clinical depression, a person may be looking at life through smoked glass. He sees the past, present, and future as all being bleak. He may very well say, "I felt this way about myself since I can remember," which may not be true. Family members may be able to provide more accurate information about when the negative feelings occurred. We do not yet have a laboratory test that can diagnose clinical depression. When in doubt, it may be wise to get treatment for the clinical depression in order to build your self-esteem.

Self Esteem: Self-Assessment & Support: The Road to Recovery

We all know the many familiar problems that are caused by low self-esteem. Now what is the solution? How do we a obtain a positive self-image? It is by no means simple, but it can be accomplished.

The first step is accepting the possibility that our self-concept is invalid. Otherwise there is no possibility of any change. We have no motivation to make a self-assessment if we already know ourselves. Furthermore, why would we bother to search through a pile of rubble if we are convinced it contains nothing of value? We must have reason to believe that there is something of value to be found in order to make the effort. It is not easy to shed convictions about one's self-image. If it is correct that the negative self-image begins in childhood, then a person who begins a self-assessment in middle age must be ready to let go of ideas that he or she has harbored for forty or more years. There is great resistance in relinquishing ideas that have been deeply entrenched for so long.

The second step is to make lifestyle changes that promote a more positive self-image, and there may be fierce resistance to this. We are creatures of habit, and most of us are reluctant to change established patterns. It can be extremely distressful to alter significant behaviors. The tendency to return to a familiar, well-established pattern because it is more comfortable often inhibits the drive to develop an altered self-image.

The third step is to be extremely patient. A self-image that has prevailed for the greater part of our life is not going to be replaced quickly. Changes in self concept are gradual and come in small increments. Relapses into the old self concept are frequent. It may take years before there are substantive changes in self-image. If these three conditions are satisfied, we can begin a self-assessment. Doing this alone may be of limited value. We have been looking at ourselves through distorting lenses and are not likely to see anything different if we look again. Nevertheless, some progress may be made, and there is no harm in trying to do it on our own.

Self Esteem: Improving The Attitudes Of Other People

If you are in any way interested in the development of the attitudes and self-esteem levels of others as a manager, parent, teacher, or friend, then don't expect to change someone else's attitude with "a carrot or a stick" by using incentives, lectures, punishment, complaints, or flattery. Attitudes don't work that way!

For years business managers have used incentives to boost attitudes to improve productivity or increase sales. But even though they get short-term improvements, the same businesses find that before too long they have to put a new incentive program into effect. They didn't really change any attitudes. They did nothing more than create a short term, temporary effect in their employees' outward behavior, not a change in their attitudes. If you use an incentive of one kind or another to change an attitude, it may appear to work, but the effect won't last; you will find yourself needing to resupply another incentive each time the previous incentive wears off.

Another time that we frequently use the wrong method to change attitudes is when we are attempting to help someone else improve an attitude that we believe is working against that person. In spite of the fact that school counselors, parents, husbands, wives, managers, and friends, frequently tell some individual "You need to change your attitude," telling someone that has never done any good at all. In fact, just saying that to someone can have the wrong effect (it is negative programming) it will work against the individual instead of for him. It reconfirms his preprogrammed belief that all the bad things he already thinks about himself are true! In fact, it is precisely when a person's attitude is "down" that it is the hardest for that person to figure out any way to change it. Why should they? How can they?

Our attitudes are determined by our beliefs, and if we believe we are less than the best, to us that is fact, that is reality, that's the way it is. Of course, it isn't true at all. It's just true to the person who believes it. Recall for a moment the natural process by which attitudes are created in each of us: "Programming creates beliefs, beliefs create attitudes, attitudes create feelings, feelings determine actions, and actions create results." Each of those steps; behavior, feelings, attitude, and beliefs, is the logical and expected result of our conditioning. It follows then that every attitude we have, good, bad, or indifferent, is the natural result of the programming that preceded it. Every one of us from time to time suffers from a less than perfect attitude. A "bad attitude" doesn't belong solely to the student who won't study or to the company employee who didn't get a raise, or to the best friend whose personal life has just fallen apart. Attitudes, good and bad, are an everyday part of our lives.

Self Esteem: Emphasizing Positive Thoughts & Projecting Confidence Within Your Company

A winning thought pattern of magnetic and confident people is their propensity to express positive thoughts when it is appropriate to do so. Being grumpy limits a person's inspirational appeal. Changing a tendency toward being negative requires considerable discipline. This is true because people appear to have a biologically based predisposition to seeing either the positive or negative content in their lives. People are therefore apt to look at situations positively or negatively. Nevertheless, even if you are a natural pessimist, you can learn to express optimism in the presence of others whom you want to influence positively. A few suggestions for the aspiring positive thinker are as follows:

1. Frame negative messages in positive terms. Suppose you are a retail store executive and you discover that your turnover rate is 40 percent per year. Your analysis is that such high turnover is too costly and creates customer service problems. You tell your store managers, "If we can reduce our turnover rate by just 10 percent we will beat the industry average, reduce costs, and improve customer satisfaction."

2. Phrase scenarios in terms of what can be done or what will be done. Similar to the suggestion just made, tell people how conditions can or will be improved. A confident leader-type would make a pronouncement such as, "If we can develop one new successful product this year, we can avoid a downsizing."

3. Provide a clear-cut course of action. In the example just mentioned, explain the action plan for developing a successful new product, new activity, or a new set of goals.

4. Substitute positive terms for negative ones when feasible. Examples include using the word challenge for problem, major investment instead of major cost, developmental opportunity for personal weakness, and the phrase best suited for yesterday's challenges when you want to avoid obsolete.

The most dynamic person must at times point out the true negatives in a situation. Yet even during the worst adversity, the magnetic individual will deliver a positive message about working out of this situation. For example, a firm that counts coins for supermarkets and transit companies had filed for bankruptcy. Surrounding its bankruptcy was a question of approximately $1 million that appeared not to have been deposited in the customers' bank accounts. The president told workers, "We have hit rock bottom, and I'm sure the newspaper accounts of what happened will not be rosy. Please do not despair. All the missing funds can be accounted for. We are going to stay in business, and we do not intend to lay off anyone. I'm as upset as anybody in this room. Let's stick together, and work our way back to health." Now that is the mark of a confident and positive leader.

Self Esteem: Taking Inventory Of Your Attitudes

Look at your attitudes. Assess them, examine them. Take stock of your beliefs about yourself, take a mental inventory of your attitudes (good and bad) and decide for yourself which of those attitudes work for you and which do not. The ones you don't want to keep; throw out. Get rid of them. Keep the ones you like.

Change the ones you want to change. Take charge of your attitudes. Put yourself back in control. The least that could happen is that you would get a little more of your real self back again. Discover the jewels and gems that are part of your own mind. Seek out and find the rich reserve of the "attitudes" within you which have been waiting to step out and live again.

Start talking to yourself the right way. Little changes in attitudes can make big changes in life. Your attitudes affect all of the important things around you. They affect how you feel about yourself. They affect your work, your friends, and your loved ones. When your attitudes get better, so does life. I f you would like to make a change or two, fixing an attitude and making life a little better isn't a bad place to start.

Self Esteem: Recovering From A Negative Self-Image

Recovery from a negative self-image is gradual. As is the case with any extended recovery process, the course is not a steadily smooth uphill slope. One does eventually reach the top, but rarely without sustaining some slips on the way. Slips that occur after a person has begun to improve may be more painful than the original chronic depressive state. It's like falling off a ladder. If you are standing on the first rung, the fall probably won't cause any injury. The higher you have climbed on the ladder, the more severe the fall. Similarly, someone who has felt more or less unhappy day after day may actually have become accustomed to that state of existence. If the person begins to feel much better and then has a recurrence of even a brief depression, this is felt much more keenly.

Even after reaching an essentially stable stage, there is always the possibility of relapse. To understand why this happens, try a simple exercise. Take a piece of thick cardboard and fold one corner. Now straighten out the fold. Where the cardboard was folded, there is a crease. This crease will remain regardless of how much you flatten the fold. If you try to bend the cardboard at any other place, you will encounter some resistance, but at the crease, the slightest pressure makes the cardboard bend. A person who recovers from a negative self-image may be left with a "crease."

Anything that occurs, even years later, that constitutes a threat to the ego is likely to resurrect all the feelings of inadequacy that he or she had already overcome. Some or all of the symptoms that accompanied the negative self-image may emerge again. People who have recovered from alcoholism or another chemical dependency are vulnerable to relapse into chemical use at this time. Awareness of this possibility may help prevent a panic reaction or chemical use in the event of a relapse.

Other advantages of recovery from a negative self-image are also likely, as in our work. If we continue to function at a fixed low level of performance we do not arouse any expectations from anyone. We, our families, and our employers won't expect more of us than our routine performance. As we gain self-confidence, our performance level is likely to increase, and as a consequence we may be given additional assignments. Our employers may assign us to new duties, our families may expect more, and we ourselves may accept new challenges.

Self Esteem: Change Your Programming

Our self esteem is the result of what we are programmed to believe. Our conditioning, from the day we were born, has created, reinforced, and nearly permanently cemented most of what we believe about ourselves and what we believe about most of what goes on around us. Whether the programming was right or wrong, true or false; the result of it is what we believe. It all starts with our programming!

It is our programming that sets up our beliefs, and the chain reaction begins. In logical progression, what we believe determines our attitudes, affects our feelings, directs our behavior, and determines our success or failure:

1. Programming creates beliefs.
2. Beliefs create attitudes.
3. Attitudes create feelings.
4. Feelings determine actions.
5. Actions create results.

That's how the brain works. If you want to manage yourself in a better way, and change your results, you can do so at any time you choose. Start with the first step. Change your programming.

Self Esteem: Projecting A Positive Magnetism Through Nonverbal Techniques

Personal magnetism requires much more than the effective use of language. Magnetic individuals communicate with their entire body, thus making effective use of nonverbal communication. You are undoubtedly familiar with nonverbal communication, or silent messages. The purpose of this type of communication is to help convey the feeling associated with a message. The slant here on nonverbal communication is to present those techniques that will most likely contribute to your personal magnetism.

Learning to manipulate nonverbal techniques to enhance magnetism is challenging for two major reasons. One challenge is that nonverbal communication is imprecise. Even more so than words, a given nonverbal signal will not be interpreted in the same way by all those receiving the signal. Suppose you forcefully move your hand with the thumb extended in front of you, and then make a quick jerking motion upward. Most people observing you will interpret your gesture as an indicator of optimism and triumph. Consciously or unconsciously, your gesture will contribute to your image as a magnetic person in the minds of most of the people receiving your message. Several of the people receiving your message, however, will interpret it differently, even negatively. Someone might say to himself, "Write off this character, he (or she) is acting like a silly teenager." Another person might think to herself, "Ugh! I can't stand a cliché in the form of a hand gesture."

To respond to this challenge, recognize that using nonverbal techniques to enhance your magnetism will not work with all those people you are trying to influence. A realistic goal of using nonverbal techniques is to increase the odds that you will have a magnetic effect on others. Another challenge in using nonverbal techniques to enhance your magnetism is that considerable practice is required before a given signal will appear spontaneous. A non-spontaneous, or stiff, nonverbal signal usually has a negative effect. Have you ever watched a speaker use hand gestures in such a way that it looks as if he had been told to use those gestures? The gestures probably appeared disconnected from the words being delivered. As a result, the nonverbal signals detracted from rather than enhanced the delivery.

To capitalize on the potential contribution of nonverbal signals to enhance your magnetism, you will need to practice them frequently enough so that they become smoothly blended into your repertoire. The practice required to master a magnetic nonverbal communication is yet another reminder that developing or enhancing magnetism is a tough, time-consuming assignment.

How Does Self Esteem Affect A Person?

Self-esteem is something probably everyone wants and which everyone definitely needs. We want self-esteem because it increases our chance of finding happiness in life and makes it possible to cope with life's disappointments and changes.

We need self-esteem because nothing is as important to psychological well-being. Our level of self-esteem affects virtually everything we think, say and do. It affects how we see the world and our place in it. It affects how others in the world see and treat us. It affects the choices we make - choices about what we will do with our lives and with whom we will be involved. It affects our ability to both give and receive love. And it affects our ability to take action to change things that need to be changed.

If a man or a woman has an insufficient amount of self-esteem, they will not be able to act in their own best interest. And if a person has no self-esteem at all, he will become overwhelmed, immobile and eventually will give up.

Hyper Sensitivity and Self Esteem

People with a negative self-image may be exquisitely sensitive. Things that do not affect anyone else may elicit a marked reaction. It's much like someone who has a severe sunburn: A light touch causes her to wince with pain. The sunburned person knows that her skin is unusually sensitive and does not impart hostile intent to the person who touched her.

But people with a negative self-image may not be aware that they are abnormally sensitive. When someone says or does something that causes them emotional pain, they are likely to conclude that the other person intentionally insulted or provoked them.

A man comes home from work, enters the house, and says, "Hello, everybody. I'm home!" The wife and children are in the den, watching an interesting television program. They respond with "Hi, honey" and "Hi, Daddy." A person with a positive self-image who knows that his wife and children love him will hang up his coat, go into the den, and embrace his family. Someone who is overly sensitive will say, "Hi, honey? Is that the kind of appreciation I get for working all day to feed and clothe my family? The darn television program is more important than coming out to welcome me. What an ungrateful bunch!"

From that point on, the evening is apt to go downhill. Little love can be generated in either direction when someone is bristling with resentment. The wife and children may have been very happy to have the husband and father home. They may fully appreciate his efforts on their behalf. The fact that they did not leave the television set at a high point in the program and run out to greet him is in no way an indication of their lack of love or admiration. However, because he seriously doubts that he deserves being loved, he interprets their failure to greet him as a confirmation of his feelings about himself.

Constructive criticism can result in improving ourselves. Whether it is an instructor who corrects our work or a friend who makes a legitimate observation about something we say or do, we can learn to avoid mistakes and to do things in a better way. People with a negative self-image, however, may be so sensitive that they react adversely to constructive criticism. Believing that they are inadequate and fearing that others will detect their inadequacies, they may take a critical remark as evidence that their inadequacies have been exposed.

They may respond to a critical remark as though it were an insult, and this reaction may be detrimental to others as well as to themselves. How intensely a negative self-image can affect our response to criticism is demonstrated by a personal experience that may step deep into childhood.

Self Esteem: Conveying Confidence & Magnetism Through Body Movements

When used in combination, the head, face, and eyes provide the clearest indication of attitudes toward other people. Because of this fact, the head, face, and eyes are important in expressing confidence and projecting magnetism. For the man or women with low self-esteem, it will prove beneficial to learn to project yourself in a more confident manner, which in turns makes you feel more confident about yourself.

Moving your head, face, and eyes toward another person makes you appear more magnetic. As is well known, messages accompanied by eye contact are more favorably interpreted by receivers than are messages sent without eye contact. Less well known is the fact that eye contact alone may improve the sending of messages but it is not necessarily a major contributor to magnetism. Warm, friendly eye contact is the best for magnetism.

Creating warm eye contact is no easy task. To improve this subtle dimension of nonverbal behavior, make a videotape of somebody on television who maintains warm eye contact. Study the person's glance several times. To practice the person's warm eye contact, first visualize the expression in the person's eyes, then attempt to emulate it. The eye contact may appear warm in part because it is accompanied by a smile.

Posture

Posture also communicates a message, and contributes to or detracts from magnetism. Leaning toward another individual suggests that you are favorably disposed toward the person and to what he or she has to say. Leaning backward indicates the opposite. Openness of the arms or legs serves as an indicator of liking or caring, which in turn may contribute to magnetism. In general, people maintain closed postures (arms folded and legs crossed) when speaking to people they dislike.

The magnetic individual severely restricts communicating dislike unless it is strategically advisable to do so, for instance, when intimidating an enemy. Standing up straight (assuming a person is able-bodied) generally reflects high self-confidence and magnetism. Personally magnetic people rarely stoop or slouch when interacting with others. Shrugging the shoulders is another aspect of posture that can contribute to magnetism. Accompanied by a warm facial expression, a shrug will often be interpreted as "I'm not entirely convinced, but why not give your idea a try?" The “shrugger” is therefore giving the other individual some encouragement. A subtle indicator of the potential contribution of posture to magnetism is that people tend to overestimate the height of people they perceive to be magnetic. This positive distortion is usually of the magnitude of two inches. A physical factor contributing to this perception is that magnetic people typically stand up straight, thus appearing approximately two inches taller than their slouching counterparts.

Self Esteem: Breaking Unconscious Conditioning Chains From Others

Some of our programming is obvious. It stands up, gets our attention and demands our response. But much of our programming is not nearly so apparent. Most of it has been much more subtle. Every day each of us receives an endless stream of commands, directives, controls, inducements, and expectations from others. All of this invariably affects our levels of confidence and self-esteem to a great degree.

Everything around us nudges, demands, or persuades. Even as adults we are met with a torrent of influences, most of which we are not even aware. We are ships with countless captains, all seeking to direct us on their own courses, for their own purposes, not even knowing they are leading our ships astray. As long as you and I allow others to program us in a way that fits their choosing, we are, without a doubt, out of control.

Why do so many therapists regress their patients to a time in their childhood when the problem was created? Because that is where the beliefs began. That is where the fear, the trauma, or the self-identity first began to take hold. Out of those early years, each of us formed a composite picture of ourselves. It made little difference whether the pictures of ourselves which we created were true or not. Our experiences, our acceptance of what we heard from others and what we told ourselves became the foundation for the mental programming which directs us today.

Of course, not all of our past programming has been the wrong kind. Some of it has been very good. Most of us have experienced the love and caring of others. And most of us have been touched from time to time with visions of positive self-belief. We have had parents who countered their misgivings with encouragement. We have had coaches, teachers, and friends who expected the best. As we grew, all of us, from time to time, have had our successes. But, at our best, we have been living with only a part of our life's programs working for us.

Imagine what you could do if you could override the programs in your sub- conscious mind, those that still work against you, and replace them with a refreshing new program of absolute belief; an almost unconscious, automatic new program that would go to work for you - replacing the barriers with a refreshing new look at the life you have in front of you.